So this is embarrassing. I’m a dating columnist who can’t get a date. I can’t even get the tide to take me out this month. It wasn’t for the want of trying believe me, I’m on every dating app going, I put myself out there, allow people to set me up with every Tom, Dick and Harry, you name it. But this month a date has eluded me. I did have at least three separate dates arranged but not one materialised here’s why. 

Date one, lets call him Tom. I met him on Bumble. He was 43, handsome, white collar job, his profile said he was looking for a relationship but that smokers need not apply. Ok, that was the first stumbling block, I smoke, socially, only when I have a drink, which is often enough in fairness, but I wanted to give up. I mean if we met and I liked him I could defo give up the smokes couldn’t I, it’d be grand I told myself as I swiped right on him. 

Anyway we got chatting and he told me he had kids. Ok that was another stumbling block. I’ve dated guys with kids before and it has caused some issues in the past. Ideally for me I’d like to date someone who wants kids but doesn’t have any yet. It’s a personal thing though I know beggars can’t be choosers and I know I have to make compromises so I decide to carry on and see where this goes.

We chatted amicably back and forth he told me he shared custody of his kids, every second weekend and two days every week. It meant he couldn’t go out that much because of his work schedule, plus he was training for an iron man. That’s ok I thought, I’m busy too, we can sync up our schedules and just see each other a couple of times a month, that’s fine for me, I thought lamely tried to convince myself. When he asked me out for a drink I was delighted. The morning of he messaged to reconfirm, ‘See you there, oh by the way I don’t drink’ he said dropping the final bombshell. I started typing back ‘No probs, see you….’ But I stopped and deleted it. I realised I was making all these compromises for someone who I hadn’t even met yet, willing to change all these parts of myself and what I wanted just to go on a date. It wouldn’t work. I told him so and cancelled the date.

The second, let’s call him Dick.  He matched with me on Hinge. He was gorgeous, tall, dark, of African descent with smouldering eyes and luscious lips. His chat was fairly monosyllabic so I cut to the chase and asked him out for a drink. ‘Sure’ came his reply, leaving it to me to suggest a where and when. When I suggested a bar at a halfway point between where we both lived he said 

‘Oh aren’t you just going to come over to my apartment?’ 

‘Oh no, sorry I’m not looking for a hook up, I wanted to have a date’ I said feebly

‘We want different things’ came his reply ‘I want to seduce you’

‘Well I mean that may be possible, but for me I like to get to know a person first, over drinks and chats and see where things go rather than just go straight to your bedroom’ I replied reasonably enough.

His reply came in the form of a dick pic. And it was not for the faint hearted. I mean Cockzilla is the best way to describe it. I gulped, contemplated, and then deleted and that was the end of that.

The third, let’s call him Harry. Harry and I talked for two weeks, he seemed ideal. I was so excited. We picked a venue, a time, a date and then, nothing. Ghosted. Gonezo.  Harry joined the hundreds of men in my contacts folder who all have the same second names i.e.  Tinder, Pof, Bumble, Hinge etc A veritable graveyard of love affairs that died before they even began all ghosts who ghosted me for reasons unknown. 

The search continues.